To Be a Healthy, Happy Introvert, You May Need to Address Shame
Shame is a powerful, debilitating force in the lives of many introverts. It’s that damn voice that keeps saying “something must be wrong with me”—and it’s got to go.
I have read all 7,629 (and counting) Amazon customer reviews of Susan Cain’s bestselling book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.
Call it field research. Or obsession. Maybe a bit of both. But I wanted (and still want) to know:
What is it about Cain’s book that has touched so many people so deeply and so permanently?
The answer is obvious once you’ve seen a few thousand reviews, the vast majority of them positive.
It boils down to just one word—the essential gift so many long-confused introverts are getting from Quiet and similar books:
Validation.
The Introvert Shame Phenomenon
Here’s a portion of what one Amazon reviewer wrote (under the apt headline of “Validating”) about his/her experience reading Quiet:
“I had moments of joy and moments of cathartic tears, and my world grew brighter with each passing page.”
Powerful words.
Inspiring, hopeful words.
But as I think about it more—especially as I immerse myself in the work of shame researcher Brené Brown (author of I Thought It Was Just Me [But It Isn’t] and several other illuminating books), I am beginning to see that these words are crucially revealing, too.
Because when you read between the lines, you find expressed a typically unarticulated, damaging opposite of validation.
You uncover a malady that millions of us introverts struggle with in our largely extroverted world.
It, too, can be described in one word—Brown’s area of expertise:
Shame.
That is, shame related to being an introvert in an extroverted society.
I call it the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.
Shame: An Attack on the Self
Here’s another part of that same “Validating” review on Amazon:
“I had powerful ‘a-ha’ moments where I said to myself ‘oh my God, there is nothing wrong with me’ after a lifetime of thinking that many of these traits were bad.”
And here are a few similar comments from other Quiet readers:
“I have been on the journey of self-discovery for some time now, and this book has confirmed many of the truths I came to learn about myself: There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU…”
“If you’ve ever felt like something was wrong with you because you don’t like socializing as much as everyone else or you just prefer to have alone time, this book will prove just the opposite is true.”
“[E]xperiences I’ve had as an introvert leave me … [with] the constant question: What is wrong with me, because I just don’t fit in…”
Notice that these last few readers aren’t talking about their actions; they’re not saying “something’s wrong with my behavior[s].”
They’re saying “something’s wrong with me.”
That belief, troublingly widespread among introverts, is the fundamental description of shame.
Just look at how Brown defines shame in I Thought It Was Just Me [But It Isn’t]:
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
If this sounds like you—if your introversion leads you to think that “something must be wrong with me”—you’re battling shame; shame you feel about being an introvert.
That is the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.
And if you’re experiencing it, you need to confront it, for two critical reasons:
- Like everyone else, you deserve to just go ahead and be who you really are in life.
- If the shame stays with you, you risk losing yourself—and not giving yourself what you need in life to be truly healthy and happy as the introvert you are.
Think Work-in-Progress, Not Quick Fix
You can’t just say “I’m going to get rid of my shame,” of course, whether it’s connected to your introversion or something else. It’s deep-seated and many-pronged, after all.
So if you’re experiencing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon, seek help from a therapist. Or read about shame and reflect carefully on how it might be affecting you, especially when it comes to its connection to your introversion.
One way or the other, you need to be you—to be the introvert you are.
Shame, unchecked, won’t let you.
I agree with how important validation is. I was 40 before I realized that there was nothing wrong with me. I was just an introvert? This knowledge freed me from the shame I was carrying for 40 years because I seemed to be so different from everyone else around me. It did not erase the feeling of being different and sometimes wishing that I were not always that way, but it gave me relief from my own self-deprecating inner voice that constantly told me to find a way to fix myself. Now I try to find ways to focus on my gifts and not spend all my time trying to fix something that is not broken.
Tracy,
Thank you so much for this comment!
You have articulated so beautifully the same general journey I have taken where the Introvert Shame Phenomenon is concerned, and the one that millions of others have taken as well—once, of course, they have come to the same realization as you have and changed how they think about themselves and feel toward themselves as introverts.
It is so incredibly difficult to even see that this is happening in one’s life, let alone do something about it (or even know what to do).
All I—and you—know is that the Introvert Shame Phenomenon is real. It’s “a thing,” and many of us introverts experience it.
It’s time to name it and talk about it, and acknowledge we can push back—as you have!
Thanks again for reading and commenting!
Peter
Hi Peter,
I just came across your website this morning. Coincidence? I don’t think so, because I am a 61-year-old who is finally coming to terms with being an introvert. All my life I’ve battled feeling wrong about being sensitive, introverted and on the shy side – a triple threat, lol! Now I’m married to an outgoing extrovert, and living in a retirement community full of extroverts. So since we’ve been here (5 years), these issues/truths, and my negative beliefs and thoughts that accompany them, have gotten worse. Your articles are a balm for my heart and mind, though, and are giving me ways to reframe my thinking. It has felt like running agains the wind, as you have written. But your insights are stirring up a little hope inside me – so thank you for your work.
Hi Heather,
Thanks so much for your note, and your kind words.
I don’t believe in coincidences either, BTW! 🙂
I’m so glad this work of mine is resonating with you!
I can tell you—if you haven’t guessed already—that you are far from alone in being an introvert in this world and feeling the things you feel and experiencing the things you experience. It is exceedingly common among introverts (myself included), even though for most people it’s very difficult to pinpoint.
I often liken it all to the blind spot that occurs when you’re driving in your car and you look in all the mirrors and see nothing behind or to the side of you … but then you turn your head over your shoulder and—surprise!—there’s a car there, “hiding.”) It was there the whole time, but you didn’t see it until you consciously looked for it.
Figuring out that you’re an introvert and you’re dealing with introversion-related shame is very similar.
It’s probably what drew you to pull up and read this particular post.
Anyway, Heather, I’m so glad you’re here! Feel free to keep looking around and checking things out.
Please let me know if you would like me to add your email address to my email list. That way you can receive emails when I post a new blog post (Mondays), post a new video (Wednesdays and Fridays), and announce various other offerings (Tuesdays).
In the meantime … just keep learning about yourself and your introversion and how to run with it instead of against it.
It really is all about harnessing the prevailing wind instead of fighting the headwind. 🙂
Have a good week!
Peter
P.S. If you can remember, and you’re willing to share … how did you find me and my website? Do you happen to remember what word and/or phrase you Googled? I ask because it helps me to know this for the purpose of continuing to reach others with this work. Thanks again, Heather!