When Opposites Attract—How Not to Repel Each Other!

When opposites attract—and they do—magic often happens. But the introvert-extrovert dynamic can play some cruel tricks, too.

Turns out opposites really do attract.

So if you’re an introvert and you’re in a significant-other partnership with an extrovert, you’re one of millions of people in the same relationship boat.

Unfortunately, too many of those boats end up sinking in the end.

Over what?

The introvert-extrovert, “we’re-such-different-people” dynamic that drew the two of you together in the first place.

It’s Exciting to Be Opposites—in the Beginning

Relationships are complex, of course, and there’s more to any significant-other relationship than the introvert-extrovert dynamic alone.

But that dynamic does play an oversized role in how things go—or don’t—in any introvert-extrovert relationship.

This is especially true in our very extroverted Western culture, which tends to put extroverted traits, behaviors, and beliefs on a pedestal while relegating your traits, behaviors, and beliefs as an introvert to the not-so-much pile.

In both the workshops I do and my work with individual coaching clients, I talk about how we can conceptualize introversion (and thus extroversion as well) in three different ways:

• Energy—how you gain it and how you lose it.
• External stimulation—how much environmental stimulation is too much (or too little) vs. just right.
• Operating system—how you “tick” as an introvert vs. how extroverts “tick.”

Think about yourself as an introvert and how your relationship with your extroverted partner felt in the beginning.

The word exciting likely comes to mind.

And it was exciting.

Why?

Because this new person in your life probably helped bring you out of that damn “shell” you were always supposed to come out of.

This person had invigorating energy, after all—the kind you’d never been able to conjure up on your own.

They took you to do exciting things—the kind you’d never been able to manage on your own.

And they had all sorts of appealing traits—the kind you’d never been able to cultivate on your own.

With apologies to Jerry Maguire: They completed you.

When Things Go South

But sometimes—often, in fact—things take a sour turn over time.

Your extroverted partner’s once-invigorating energy feels more like exhausting energy now.

Those once-exciting things they took you to do feel more like work now. And unpaid work at that.

And those once-appealing traits they had make you want to gouge their eyes out at times now.

So much for your extroverted partner completing you.

Now it’s more like they’re depleting you. Every moment of every day, with no end in sight.

Why?

What’s going on?

Opposites Are Opposites!

The answer to this question is simpler than you might think, even though the solution to the problem is anything but simple.

To wit: Turns out opposites really are opposites!

And here’s what that means post-honeymoon when it comes to the introversion-extroversion dynamic in your relationship:

• Energy—The things that energize you as an introvert (e.g., solitude) drain your extroverted beloved. And the things that energize your extroverted beloved drain you.
• External stimulation—The right amount of external stimulation for you (i.e., just a little) is nowhere near enough for your extroverted partner. And the right amount of external stimulation for your extroverted partner is way too much for you.
• Operating system—The parts of your internal “operating system” that make you run smoothly (e.g., two or three close friends is plenty) crash your extroverted partner’s “operating system” (e.g., everyone you meet is a friend, and you can never have enough). And the parts of your extroverted partner’s “operating system” that make it run smoothly (e.g., “Let’s all get together for drinks after work!”) crash your introverted “operating system” (e.g., “I just want to go home and read a book”).

So what is the solution?

It’s more like solutions, with an “s.”

Because The Answer—the way to save a potentially failing relationship if you’ve reached that point, or the way to prevent it from getting to that point in the first place—is a combination of mutual understanding of each other’s personality needs and preferences and continuing communication about those needs and preferences.

Understanding and Communication

Let’s start with mutual understanding.

In the English language, we use the word understanding in two distinct ways:

• Intellectually, as in “I have an understanding that 2+2=4″ or “I understand particle physics.”
• Empathetically, as in “I understand your need for alone time” or “I understand your need for socializing.”

In your introvert-extrovert relationship, you have to both intellectually understand what your extroverted partner needs and empathetically understand why they need it.

And your extroverted partner has to both intellectually understand what you need as an introvert and empathetically understand why you need it.

How do the two of you pull this off?

That’s where communication comes in.

You each have to (learn how to) communicate your needs, and the whys behind them, to the other.

Continuously.

And likely indefinitely until it all becomes an embedded part of your existence together.

A Mutual Journey That Lasts

You can, and if you keep at it you will, eventually reach a point where—well, perhaps your partner’s opposite personality won’t always be exciting to you, as it once was; but it will be endearing to you. And vice versa.

You’ll become more likely to chuckle about it or lovingly joke about it instead of that whole eye-gouging thing.

And the same will be true for your extroverted partner.

Leaving the two of you not only right back where you started, but much further along on your journey together.