Tired of Being Nagged? Here’s an Effective Way to Set Boundaries

How can you set boundaries as an introvert, in a way that works for you? Try this variation on a line from a famous movie.

One of the weirdest—and most irritating—aspects of being an introvert in our extroverted society is that while introverts don’t nag and cajole extroverts about anything, extroverts nag and cajole introverts about all sorts of things.

Here’s a classic example, fellow introvert.

Tell me—I’ll wait—about the last time you nagged and cajoled one of your extroverted co-workers to join you in going home after work on Friday to read a book instead of heading out for dinner with some of the other people from the office, like he/she had previously planned.

I’ll be waiting for a long time, of course. As in forever.

Because you’ve never done such a thing.

It would not even occur to you to do such a thing.

And yet the reverse is not even remotely true.

Tell me—I won’t have to wait long this time—about the last time you were nagged and cajoled by one of your extroverted co-workers when you told them you were going home to read a book after work on Friday night but they wanted you to go out with them and a bunch of your fellow colleagues instead.

Did this extrovert leave you and your decision alone, the way you would leave him/her alone if the situation were turned around?

No. Of course not.

Instead you got treated like a third-grader. Remember the sales pitch?

“C’mon! You never go out with us. Don’t be such a party pooper! It’s gonna be fun!”

Yada, yada, yada.

Why do extroverts do this?

I have no idea.

But I can give you a solution to it.

One that comes straight out of a movie.

Not Just End of Discussion—No Discussion

The 1976 movie “All the President’s Men” tells the story of the Watergate break-in and cover-up, and how Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein covered a scandal that ultimately forced then U.S. President Richard Nixon to resign from office.

At one point in the years-long saga, Woodward and Bernstein—and the whole of the Post itself, especially Managing Editor Ben Bradlee—are under fire for a story the two reporters have written that is correct in substance but wrong in terms of how the two men confirmed it with a key source.

The Post is being heavily criticized for the piece, particularly by the Nixon administration and its press secretary, Ron Ziegler, and the Post‘s editors are under pressure to not only rein in Woodward and Bernstein, but also to apologize for and retract the controversial story Woodward and Bernstein have written.

The movie depicts the daily editors’ meeting at the time, where—in a smoke-filled room in those days—the editors are gathered to share with each other what the planned top stories will be for the next day’s edition of the paper.

In the scene, Assistant Managing Editor for Metropolitan News Harry Rosenfeld (portrayed by Jack Warden) walks in and says to the crotchety Bradlee (played by the equally crotchety Jason Robards):

“We’re gonna have to make a statement, Ben. One senator just gave a speech slurring us 57 times in 20 minutes. I knew we had enemies, but I didn’t know we were this popular.”

Before Rosenfeld is even done talking, we see Bradlee, feet up on the meeting table, scribbling something on a notepad.

He finishes the note, tears it off the pad, and hands it to Rosenfeld.

And then we see what it says:

“We stand by our story.”

And it immediately becomes crystal clear, both to the men in the room and to us as viewers, that this discussion is over before it began. There will be no debate, no deliberation. Case closed.

And sure enough, someone mutters a long, drawn-out “OOOO-KAYYY” in the scene, and then the meeting continues on as usual.

“I Stand by My Statement”

Why am I talking about some obscure and largely forgotten scene from an almost 50-year-old movie?

Because I swear that scene, and a version of that key line, came back to me one day several years back, when I was being nagged about some introvert-related decision I’d made (I forget what it was about) by some extrovert in my life (I forget who it was) who just couldn’t and wouldn’t leave me alone about it.

Somehow, some way, the gods reached down and helped me say this in response:

“I stand by my statement.”

And it worked!

The nagging stopped. That was the end of it.

And I think I know why.

I’m convinced that, just as the similar line did for Ben Bradlee all those many years ago, this line communicated to the person I was talking to that the discussion was over before it could begin; that there would be no debate, no deliberation. Case closed.

I was amazed, stunned.

And I continue to be amazed and stunned to this day, as I continue using this line and it continues to work.

I do have to repeat it at times. As in:

Me: “I stand by my statement.”

Extrovert: “But, but, but …”

Me: “I stand by my statement.”

Extrovert: “But, but, but …”

Me: “I stand by my statement.”

Silence.

A Way for Introverts to Set Boundaries

The fancy term for this strategy is boundary setting. And it is a way to set boundaries.

Best of all, it’s an approach you can and actually will use, fellow introvert.

You can pre-rehearse it.

You can practice it.

It’s five words, so you surely won’t blank out on it in the heat of the moment.

And best of all, you can count on it to do its job: of helping you not only make the decisions you want to make, but also stand by those decisions and stand up for them.

So that you stand by—and stand up for—yourself as well.