The Introvert
Shame Phenomenon

Fellow introvert,

I have a question for you today.

One that is potentially life-changing.

It’s a question that could clear up a lot of mysteries in your life and ease a lot of pain in your life—as it has done for me.

It might even turn your life around—as it has done for me.

The question:

Do you think being an introvert means that
something’s fundamentally wrong with you?

Please—think carefully before you answer.

Because I’m not asking this question in a generic sense or as a detached intellectual exercise.

I’m asking it of—and about—you, personally.

I’m asking you:

Do you think something’s wrong with you,
simply and solely because you’re an introvert?

Do you think something’s wrong with you—or do other people in your life make you feel that way—simply because you’re a quiet(er) person who craves alone time and time to think?

Do you think something’s wrong with you—or do other people in your life make you feel that way—simply because you do your best work alone, in focused concentration and with a well-thought-out plan of attack?

Do you think something’s wrong with you—or do other people in your life make you feel that way—simply because you’d rather talk to people one on one vs. a dozen at a time? And about deep, meaningful things vs. the “nice weather we’re having”?

Take a look once again at the statements in the purple box above.

Have thoughts like these ever run through your head—simply and solely because you’re an introvert?

Have feelings like these ever lodged themselves in your heart—simply and solely because you’re an introvert?

Do they still?

If so, I’m sorry.

It sucks to feel that way, and it’s incredibly unfair to you too.

But you know what?

You’re not alone.

Not even close.

In fact, you’re one of the thousands upon thousands upon thousands of introverts out there—me included—who is all too familiar with what I call the Introvert Shame Phenomenon:

You experience shame that is
linked to your introversion, specifically.

Some of this shame is self-generated. You reach the “something must be wrong with me” verdict on your own, by observing yourself in relation to the people around you—particularly the extroverts around you—and concluding that they are the right way to be and you’re the wrong way to be.

Much more of this introversion-centered shame, though, is doled out by the other people in your life—especially the extroverts in your life—who somehow think you need to be saved from your introverted self before it’s too late.

“Hurry up and become the extrovert you’re not!” they tell you, implicitly and even explicitly at times, “because you sure as hell can’t be the introvert you really are! Unacceptable! Dangerous! … WRONG!”

It happens at home, at school, at work. Everywhere. You’re surrounded by the same toxic message:

Something’s wrong with you.

Let me assure you about something, fellow introvert, plainly and right out of the gate:

There’s nothing wrong with you!

That “something must be wrong with me” verdict you’ve come to about yourself and your introversion—whether you got to it on your own, with “help” from others, or mostly likely both—is a miscarriage of justice.

It’s bullshit.

The truth?

You’re simply an introvert.

The same way an extrovert is simply an extrovert—without all the negative baggage attached.

But man …

The world sure tries to tell you otherwise, doesn’t it?

Is it any wonder you start wondering about yourself after a while?

Is it any wonder you experience the Introvert Shame Phenomenon and all the pain that comes with it?

What Is Shame

We’ve all heard the word shame. For most of us it’s just another word for guilt.

But that’s not accurate.

Shame and guilt are not the same.

The distinction between the two concepts is critical to understand, because the potential impact on your life—for better or for worse—is profound.

To get our hands around shame—and the Introvert Shame Phenomenon—we need to be diligently precise about how we define shame itself.

So … what is shame?

The easiest-to-understand, clearest explanation comes from preeminent shame researcher Brené Brown, who helpfully contrasts shame against guilt in her groundbreaking 2007 book I Thought It Was Just Me [But It Isn’t].

Here’s Brown’s shorthand summary:

Guilt = I did something bad.

Shame = I am bad.

You experience guilt—which is often appropriate and even helpful in our lives—when you conclude that there’s something wrong with what you’ve done; with how you’ve acted or behaved.

You experience shame, on the other hand—which is never helpful and is in fact insidiously harmful—when you conclude that there’s something wrong with you, as a person.

Guilt is about your actions, your behaviors, your deeds.

Shame is about you, yourself.

And that’s why shame is so harmful.

Because you—we all—take it personally.

Literally.

What Is the Introvert Shame Phenomenon?

Many of us introverts spend our lives quietly—and unknowingly—wrestling with our own unique version of shame.

I call it the Introvert Shame Phenomenon—shame you feel that is connected specifically to your introversion.

Have you ever thought—or been made to think, by others in your life—that being an introvert means something is wrong with you?

Have you ever thought—or been made to think, by others in your life—that you’re supposed to be (more) extroverted, and that you are thus somehow falling short—that you are fundamentally flawed as a person—if you’re not?

That’s introversion-related shame.

That is the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

Think of it this way …

If you’ve ever thought—or been made to think, by others in your life—that something’s wrong with you because you’re “not thin enough,” we might refer to that as shame connected specifically to your body image.

If you’ve ever thought—or been made to think, by others in your life—that something’s wrong with you because you’re “not a good enough parent,” we might refer to that as shame connected specifically to your parenting.

If you’ve ever thought—or been made to think, by others in your life—that something’s wrong with you because you can’t find the right job, we might refer to that as shame connected specifically to your career.

You get the idea.

There are all kinds of shame “types,” if you will, and we all experience many of them.

The Introvert Shame Phenomenon is the one that is connected specifically and directly to your introversion.

In your mind—and/or in the minds of others—there’s something wrong with you because you’re not extroverted (enough).

There’s some sort of extrovert ideal that you are not living up to, some sort of arbitrary cultural gold standard that you don’t meet as an introvert.

That’s the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

Where Does the Introvert Shame Phenomenon Come From?

Let me circle back to that extrovert ideal concept for a moment.

I can’t speak for all cultures, but I can say this much about Western culture (having lived in it for 57 years now, and counting!):

Western culture glorifies the extrovert ideal.

Susan Cain, author of the bestselling book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, is the person who coined the term extrovert ideal. She defines it as:

“the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight.”

Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, has a slightly different name for the same concept. She calls it the extroversion assumption—the notion that:

“extroversion is normal and introversion is a deviation.”

I, too, have my own slightly different name for the same concept. I call it the extroversion default—the idea that:

the default personality in Western culture is, or ought to be, extroversion—and that we assess other personality variations against extroversion because it is implicitly or explicitly seen as the gold standard.

In a huge nutshell, then …

In the eyes of Western culture, being an extrovert is the right way to be … the good way to be … the normal way to be … the desired way to be.

The way to be.

It really is the ideal, the assumption, the default.

Being an introvert, on the other hand?

Not so much.

Being an introvert is seen as the wrong way to be … the bad way to be … the abnormal way to be … the undesired way to be.

It’s “the other.”

The way not to be.

You Know the Feeling

I highly doubt that any of this is news to you, fellow introvert.

You know the reality. You know what it’s like to be an introvert in an extroverted society.

You’ve experienced it.

You’ve felt it.

And if you’ve read this far, you probably still feel it now. Every damn day.

Because what is the frequent—and, one could argue, quite logical and likely—result of the dynamic I’ve just described?

That is: If Western culture subscribes to the extrovert ideal/assumption/default—and it most certainly does—and you as an introvert routinely go against that ideal/assumption/default, what happens to you, potentially?

To put it another way: If you, as an introvert, are constantly surrounded by the message “something’s wrong with you”—and it’s coming from you yourself, others in your life, or both—what’s prone to happen to you?

Answer: You end up thinking “something’s wrong with me.”

The Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

The Two Forms of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon

Sometimes you come to this “something’s wrong with me” conclusion all on your own.

You look at yourself in relation to the people around you—especially the extroverts around you—and you conclude, in effect, that they are (or must be) the right way to be in life while you are (or must be) the wrong way to be.

I call this the self-initiated form of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon, and it’s the form I personally relate to the most.

Growing up, and later as a young adult, I was blessed—and lucky—that key people in my life (e.g., parents, siblings, friends) more or less knew and accepted me as I was (and still am). I didn’t really feel any outside pressure to be someone I wasn’t—to be the extrovert I wasn’t.

I didn’t even know the words introvert and extrovert back then, let alone what they meant. But I did know that I was on the quieter, less-wild side of things in terms of personality.

I felt like I didn’t fit in. Like I didn’t fully belong.

So while other people in my life did not give me shit about who I was (and still am) as an introvert, I myself often did.

I looked around me, and I compared myself with “everyone else” (who seemed far more outgoing and talkative and gregarious), and I concluded—on my own, without others telling me—that “something must be wrong with me.”

Boom: the self-initiated form of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

You yourself might relate to this form.

Or …

You may instead be someone who’s been on the receiving end of what I call the other-initiated form of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

Maybe other people in your life—especially the extroverts in your life—are constantly giving you shit about your introversion, be it implicitly, explicitly, or both. Maybe they pressure you in subtle and not-at-all subtle ways to (try to) become the extrovert you’re not.

Maybe they ask you ridiculous, stupid, irritating questions like:

• “How come you don’t _____ more?” (e.g., talk, go out)
• “Why are you so _____ ?” (e.g., quiet, antisocial)
• “When are you going to _____ ?” (e.g., come out of your shell, quit being such a party pooper)

Or maybe they dispense with the question form of their barbs and simply make unsolicited (and equally aggravating) declarations about you, such as:

• “You should _____ more.” (e.g., talk, go out)
• “You’re so _____ .” (e.g., quiet, antisocial)
• “You need to _____ . (e.g., come out of your shell, quit being such a party pooper)

What’s the message you likely take away from all these painful questions and comments—especially when you experience them repeatedly, endlessly, over years, decades?

What’s the message you’re almost bound to internalize?

“Something’s wrong with you.”

Boom: the other-initiated form of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

The One-Two Knockdown Punch

Experiencing one or the other of these forms of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon is bad enough.

But many introverts experience both, throughout their lives.

It’s pretty easy to see how this unfolds—again, quite logically—starting with the other-initiated form of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon and molting into a potent combination of the two forms.

Over the course of years or even decades, you get the message from the people around you—and from society writ large—that there’s something wrong with being an introvert. And therefore there’s something wrong with you, or must be.

You hear this message so loudly and so frequently and so relentlessly that you yourself begin to believe it and internalize it—even if you yourself didn’t initially believe it (or even think about it, really).

After all: Can all the people around you—can an entire society—be wrong?

Boom boom: the devastating one-two-knockdown-punch version of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

What Does the Introvert Shame Phenomenon Look Like, Sound Like, Feel Like?

How do you know when you’re experiencing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon?

What does it look like and sound like and feel like?

Well, look for … and listen for … and feel for some version of this key phrase in connection with your introversion, specifically:

“Something’s wrong with me.”

Look once again at the statements in the purple box where we began. (All of these, by the way, are direct quotes from people who have talked about or written about their introversion-related shame.)

As you can see, some version of “something’s wrong with me” is—by far—the most common way the Introvert Shame Phenomenon is internalized and expressed by those who experience it.

For you, it might show up in a questioning form, a wondering form—as in “what if something’s wrong with me?” or “is something wrong with me?”

Or it might show up in a full-fledged, definitive conclusion you’ve reached about yourself—as in “something must be wrong with me” or “something is wrong with me.”

Either way: Some version of “Something’s wrong with me” is indeed the most common way introverts see … and hear … and feel the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

But it’s not the only way.

Over the years, I’ve read thousands of articles—and printed and kept hundreds—written by or about introverts who describe their introversion-related shame.

Here are some of the other negative words and phrases people use in relation to their introversion—words and phrases you yourself might use—that point to the Introvert Shame Phenomenon (once again, all of these quotes are from real people):

• wrong—”All my life, I’ve had this intangible feeling of being ‘wrong’ … or at the very least in the minority in every walk of life.”
• defective—”I felt like I was defective, or a bad kid.”
• awful—”I also had this perception that being an introvert was an awful thing.”
• broken—”I was broken. I had to be.”
• fix—”[P]eople and society made me believe all kinds of negative things about myself [as an introvert]. … That I needed to fix myself and become how they wanted me to be.”
• not normal—”Why can’t I just be normal?”
• weird—”I just thought I was weird.”
• odd—”Most people found my [introverted] personality to be VERY odd, to say the least.”
• flaw/flawed—”I thought being an introvert was a personality flaw in me.”
• antisocial—”Those of us who would rather sit and read our books than mix and mingle are antisocial, loners, weirdos.”
• other—”I was not normal. I was ‘other.'”

If any of these beliefs or others like them are part of your mindset, you’re experiencing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

Why Should You Care About the Introvert Shame Phenomenon?

By now you might be asking, quite reasonably:

Who cares?

As in:

Why should I care?

More bluntly:

Why should I give two shits about
the Introvert Shame Phenomenon?

After all … you’ve got a hundred, a thousand, a million other things to think about in your life, every moment of every day.

Does this—your (perhaps silent) duel with the Introvert Shame Phenomenon—really need to be one of them?

Do you really need to add this to your list of life concerns?

Well, only you can answer that question for yourself, fellow introvert. It’s your call, ultimately, as it should be.

That said …

What I can tell you—based on 57 years (and counting!) of my own personal experience as an introvert in a highly extroverted culture, plus 20+ years of researching and writing about introverts and introversion—is this:

If you’re experiencing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon, it is affecting you.

And not in a good way.

It’s hurting you.

Whether you realize it or not.

It’s making you unhealthy and unhappy—unnecessarily and unfairly.

The easiest way to understand how is to think of running.

Yes, running.

Specifically, running against the wind vs. running with it.

Against the Wind vs. With the Wind

What is it like when you run against, say, a 25-mile-per-hour headwind that never lets up?

I can tell you, if you don’t know already.

It sucks.

Running is hard to begin with, after all, even on a calm day.

Running into the wind is even harder.

You can’t go as fast as you normally do. You can’t go as far as you normally do. Everything hurts more. Everything in your body has to work more.

And on top of it all, it’s frustrating and demoralizing, too. It’s as hard on your psyche as it is on the rest of you.

Now let’s look at the flip side.

What is it like when you run with a sustained 25-mile-per-hour tailwind?

Well … let’s be clear: It’s still work!

It’s not like everything magically becomes effortless. You’re still having to run, after all.

But man … it’s just so, so much better running with the wind.

You go faster than you normally do. You’re able to run farther than you normally do. Not only does everything hurt less, everything actually feels better. Your body gets a huge boost, physically as well as psychologically and even emotionally and spiritually.

Run With the Wind

What does any of this have to do with you and the Introvert Shame Phenomenon?

Well, when you constantly experience the Introvert Shame Phenomenon, it’s like you’re running against the wind all life long.

You’re constantly fighting yourself and your true introverted nature.

You’re constantly trying to be someone you’re not, sometimes consciously but much more often unconsciously.

You’re constantly questioning yourself—”Is something wrong with me?”

You’re constantly doing the opposite of what you want to do, what you wish you could do, what you’re good at doing.

And you’re constantly not getting what you need—and what you fundamentally deserve—as the introvert you are.

It sucks.

And it’s unfair.

Unhealthy.

Unsustainable.

And … unnecessary.

Because you can learn to run with the wind in your life instead of against it.

You can learn to just go ahead and be the introvert you are.

So that you can be authentically healthy and happy in life.

Step 1 of your journey?

Pushing back—hard—against the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

Starting today.

Now.

What Can You Do to Address the Introvert Shame Phenomenon? Resistance vs. Resilience

What can you do about the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in your own life?

How can you deal with it, practically speaking, in the messy real world?

Well, it’s critical for us to begin the discussion with what you can’t do, with what your—what all of our—limits are on this thing.

Short answer:

You can’t just “fix” introversion-related shame for all time and prevent it from ever happening to you again.

You have common sense.

And your common sense likely (and wisely) tells you that if you’ve been struggling with the Introvert Shame Phenomenon for years … decades even, then you’re not going to simply snap your fingers and magically make it go away forever.

That’s exactly right.

You don’t fix shame—any type of shame—in a heartbeat with some sort of abra-cadabra routine.

And you don’t prevent shame—any type of shame—from ever happening to you again once you’re aware of it as a possibility.

It cuts too deep.

And you probably have some scars, after all.

And scars stay with us.

So … what can you do?

What is possible?

You can be alert.

Vigilant.

And equipped—with knowledge, tools, and strategies that will help you be resilient in the face of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

Resilience, Yes—Resistance, No

I’m not picking the word resilient at random, by the way.

Remember Brené Brown, who gave us the definition of shame that we are operating with?

Well, in I Thought It Was Just Me [But It Isn’t], Brown has a lot to say about what we can—and cannot—do about shame.

And she makes a careful—and critical—distinction between what she calls shame resistance and shame resilience.

Shame resistance, Brown says, doesn’t exist:

“The bad news is that there’s no way to permanently rid ourselves of shame. … We cannot become resistant to shame.”

The good news, Brown counters, is that:

“[W]e are all capable of developing shame resilience. … [B]y resilience, I mean [the] ability to recognize shame when we experience it, and move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our authenticity and grow from our experiences.”

Brown then offers up a model of sorts—based on her years and now decades of research on shame—where she outlines …

Four Elements of Shame Resilience

1. Being able to recognize and understand your shame triggers. In other words, knowing—right in the shame-filled moment, when it’s hardest!—that you are in shame; that you’re experiencing shame in that very instant.
2. Having a high level of “critical awareness” that allows you to question where your shame is coming from, and why, in the moment. In other words, being able to critically evaluate what—or, often, who!—is behind the shame you’re feeling, and whether it—or he/she (or you yourself!)—is accurate.
3. Being willing and able to reach out to trusted, empathetic others in your life to help you through the feelings of shame when they’re happening. (Easier said than done for many people by the way, but especially for us introverts who like to keep things to ourselves!)
4. Being able to “speak shame”—to accurately and effectively pinpoint, and describe, what’s happening to you in the moment when you’re feeling the shame. Basically, speaking the “language” of shame accurately and clearly.

You—we all as introverts—can learn to apply Brown’s shame resilience framework to our own introversion-related shame experiences.

We can use Brown’s ideas to push back—hard—against the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in our own lives when it (inevitably) shows up.

Let’s look at an example—a painful experience with the Introvert Shame Phenomenon from my own life—that will help you better understand what I’m getting at.

One Step Forward …

In 2014 I published my book The Introvert Manifesto: Introverts Illuminated, Extraverts Enlightened.

It was—and still is—nothing more than me doing my best to clearly and concisely dispel the many frustrating myths and misunderstandings about introverts and introversion, and to send the message (to introverts and extroverts alike) that there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert.

Getting to the point where I was ready to tackle the book—as in actually write it vs. merely thinking about writing it, and then actually put it out into the world vs. merely thinking about putting it out into the world—is its own long story.

Over about 20 years, I had come a long way in understanding and embracing my own introversion, as well as that of others. I had indeed learned, and internalized, that there’s nothing wrong with me and other introverts; that we are indeed just introverts.

I had also gone through bouts of both anxiety and depression, and I had lost my first wife, Lois, to cancer in 2012 following her four-and-a-half-year, second battle with the disease.

Like I said: Very long story.

So …

When The Introvert Manifesto was finally done, I was really proud of it.

And of myself.

Until I wasn’t.

… Two Steps Back

Not long after the book came out, I showed it to someone in my life who is quite important to me.

I wasn’t at all ready for their reaction.

(Note: I don’t want to name the person, because that’s not the point.)

They paged through the book, not saying a word, their brow furrowing.

Then they dropped the bomb:

“It’s icky.”

They thought the book was a troubling publication with a troubling message for troubled people.

They thought I was teaching, and encouraging, people to become the Unabomber.

They thought—well, I don’t know exactly what they thought.

But they seemed to think that I was not only not helping people, I was actively harming them.

And so suddenly, in a split second, I wasn’t proud.

I was crushed.

And deflated.

And sad.

And looking back on it now I know:

I was filled with shame.

I was experiencing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon, on steroids.

I wanted to crawl into a corner, hide under a chair, bury my head in my hands, and cry.

Because I was right back to the old “something must be wrong with me,” “something is wrong with me” routine. The line of thinking that had haunted me for years, decades, like it does for so many of us introverts (again, you among them perhaps).

It was devastating.

And while I wish—today, now—that I had bounced back nicely and quickly from the experience by immediately and skillfully employing Brené Brown’s Four Elements of Shame Resilience, what really happened is this:

I didn’t handle the experience very well.

Which is to say that I didn’t handle it at all.

Stuck in the Muck

I didn’t give up on my introvert advocacy work completely, thank God. I did manage to push on.

But that encounter with the Introvert Shame Phenomenon hindered me in my efforts and my progress—and rattled my confidence —for several years.

Yes, years.

Eight years to be exact.

That’s the destructive power of shame.

It can take hold within you in a moment, yet wreak serious havoc in you for hours, days, months—years, even—all without you knowing what’s hit you.

Because while I did carry on with my introvert advocacy work in general terms, I didn’t go anywhere near full force with it.

In fact, I held myself back.

“Icky” got to me.

A lot.

More accurately: I let it get to me.

Not on purpose, of course.

Out of good old fashioned ignorance—not knowing what I didn’t know, about shame in general and introversion-related shame in particular.

And—just as Brené Brown points out—I needed some help to get past it all.

Even though I didn’t know it at the time.

A Crucial Second Opinion

In the spring of 2022, I started working with my counselor, Gail. Which is to say that I resumed working with her, as I had seen her in several months-long spurts during the previous eight years.

One day during one of our sessions together, in a breakthrough moment of long-overdue clarity, I told Gail I had just finished reading a book by marketing expert and off-the-beaten-path thinker Seth Godin entitled The Practice: Shipping Creative Work.

Something Godin said in the book absolutely blew me away—especially because I connected it to that day eight years earlier when Person X had said my book was “icky.”

Here’s what Godin wrote in the book, in a small but aptly named section entitled “Shun the Nonbelievers”):

“‘It’s not for you’ is the unspoken possible companion to ‘Here, I made this.'”

Holy shit!

Maybe, I told Gail, my counter-reaction to Person X’s book reaction all those years before—my shame—was misplaced. Incorrect. Undeserved and unnecessary.

Maybe, I said, my book just isn’t for Person X.

“That’s exactly right, I’m sure,” Gail replied.

And a weight came off my shoulders in that moment.

And I no longer wanted to crawl into a corner, hide under a chair, bury my head in my hands, and cry where my work with introverts and introversion was concerned.

In fact, I wanted to do the opposite.

All because I had quickly identified and addressed my struggle with the Introvert Shame Phenomenon!

Ha!

All because I had finally identified and addressed my struggle with the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

Postscript: Godin Himself Hammers the Point Home

Because Brené Brown wisely talks about reaching out to trusted others as one of her four shame resilience strategies, let me include an important postscript to this story.

At the end of my session with Gail, I told her how profoundly I wished I could reach Seth Godin in person and thank him for somehow offering up the right words in the right way at the right time.

“Email him,” she suggested in return.

So, still riding on my high, I did just that.

I emailed Seth Godin out of the blue—never figuring he’d read my message, let alone respond to it—and told him how much this one line of his was helping me move past the comments Person X had made about my book, and my work in general really, years before.

Here’s the actual email I sent (with necessary redactions):

I don’t know how, or why, he did it—but Seth Godin, God bless him, not only responded to me … he wrote back just two minutes later.

With this (again, with a necessary redaction):

It was the very last word of Godin’s message that smacked me upside the head and finally—finally—got through to me (and the shame I’d been feeling) once and for all:

Persist.

That message—from a caring, empathetic fellow human being who just happened to somehow know exactly what I needed to hear and how I needed to (and would) hear it—encapsulates everything Brené Brown is saying when she tells us that the way to be resilient in the face of shame is to apply her Four Elements of Shame Resilience—in whatever order, and in whatever way, we choose.

That’s what I did.

Eventually.

And unknowingly, with no real idea what I was doing as I was doing it.

Just think …

Being Purposeful and Proactive

What if I’d had the knowledge to take all these steps on purpose instead of lucking into my eventual solutions?

What if I’d had the wherewithal to take all these steps right away instead of letting eight years go by?

Imagine the pain I would have avoided … and the energy I would have saved … and the confusion I would have staved off.

And what about you?

Imagine experiencing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon—which of course you don’t have to imagine, because you’ve experienced it (and maybe still do) if you’ve read this far—and knowing how to handle it, skillfully and efficiently.

Again: You’ll never fully prevent it from happening to you—which you also, of course, don’t have to imagine.

But imagine what it would be like for you to be consciously aware of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon so that you can confidently handle it when it does appear.

I’m telling you …

It’s possible.

It’s not easy, necessarily.

But it’s most definitely possible.

And more than that …

It’s critical to your health and happiness—to your well-being—as the introvert you are.

And even more than that …

Why should you have to put up with introversion-related shame anyway?

That’s a rhetorical question.

You shouldn‘t have to deal with introversion-related shame.

And you don’t.

You have a choice.

What’s Likely to Happen If You Ignore the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in Your Own Life?

So what happens to you if you just sit tight where this whole introversion-related shame issue is concerned?

What happens if you’re experiencing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in your own life and you decide to just ignore it (or try to)?

In other words …

What happens if you do nothing? Or at least nothing different than you’ve been doing for years, decades?

Here’s the only truthful answer:

I don’t know.
And neither do you.

Beware the man/woman who tells you what your future is!

No one can predict the future in general or your future in particular.

All I—all we—can do is examine the various possibilities and use our brains, our instincts, our experience, and our common sense to gauge what is likely to happen in our future.

There are three possibilities in this particular case.

Possibility 1—Things Get Better for You

This is always a possibility, of course, especially as we gain life experience and wisdom.

Time doesn’t really heal all wounds, but it does heal some of them, to some degree.

So things getting better is a possibility.

But it’s not the most likely one.

Possibility 2—Things Stay the Same for You

This is always a possibility too, of course, and in some ways it’s pretty intuitive.

If it were a mathematical equation it might look something like this:

Doing Nothing = Nothing Changes

That’s why we have that old definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So things staying the same is a possibility too.

But it’s not the most likely possibility either.

And even if this possibility does indeed come to pass—well, it’s not exactly a victory, is it, when you’re feeling unhealthy and unhappy in the first place.

Possibility 3—Things Get Worse for You

This possibility is at least as likely as nothing changing, and in fact it’s the most likely potential result.

Why?

Because that old definition of insanity leaves something out …

All that beating your head on the wall as you do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, takes a toll on you—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

There’s a piling-on effect, and you just keep spiraling downward.

The more sad and frustrated and exhausted you get, the more sad and frustrated and exhausted you become.

And on and on.

And that’s just you.

The people around you, especially those you love the most, don’t get the best version of you either.

They get the average version of you.

Or the worst version of you.

This, I’m sorry to say, is the most likely outcome of doing nothing about the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in your own life.

Is it a foregone conclusion?

No.

Is it the most likely outcome?

Yes.

Is there hope?

Definitely yes.

What’s Likely to Happen If You Address the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in Your Own Life?

What happens to you if you instead acknowledge the Introvert Shame Phenomenon, learn all you can about it, be on guard for it in your own day-to-day life, and consistently employ the strategies for effectively neutralizing it when it appears?

What happens if you’re dealing with the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in your own life and you decide to confront it and combat it?

In other words …

What happens if you do something instead of nothing? (Something different than you’ve been doing for years, decades?)

Here’s the only truthful answer:

I still don’t know for sure.
And neither do you.

Using Brene Brown’s and/or anyone else’s ideas to address your introversion-related shame doesn’t improve your ability to flawlessly predict the future!

Once again: All I—all we—can do is examine the possibilities and use our brains, our instincts, our experience, and our common sense to gauge what is likely to happen in our future if we go down the do-something path.

There are three possibilities in this case too.

Possibility 1—Things Get Worse for You

This might seem like a silly possibility to consider, and you’re right: It’s very unlikely that your situation will get worse if and when you decide to push back against the Introvert Shame Phenomenon.

However …

It’s important not to glibly skip past this possibility entirely.

Because if and when you do decide to acknowledge and start addressing the Introvert Shame Phenomenon in your life, there’s a decent chance that, for a brief time period:

Things will get a bit worse
before they start getting a lot better.

You’ll be making a big change, after all.

And you might beat yourself up in the beginning for not having acted sooner on your own behalf.

You might also get blowback from other people in your life—people who don’t want or like the “new” you, people who disagree with you and what you’re trying to do, people who (continue to) share their unsolicited and uninformed and unhelpful opinions with you.

Any of these factors is enough to cause a temporary dip in how you’re doing and feeling.

It won’t—and it doesn’t—last.

But it can—and does—happen.

So no, things are unlikely to get worse for you in the long run.

But let’s at least truthfully concede that the initial part of your road forward may be a bit bumpy in spots, for a little while at least.

Possibility 2—Things Stay the Same for You

This is yet again a possibility, but this time it’s counterintuitive bordering on ridiculous.

If it were a mathematical equation it might look something like this:

Doing Something = Nothing Changes

It just doesn’t pass the smell test.

Or the common sense exam.

Verdict: Possible, but highly unlikely.

Possibility 3—Things Get Better for You

This possibility is far more likely than things getting worse for you or nothing changing for you, and thus it is the most likely result overall.

Why?

Because you’ll not only be doing new things on your own behalf, you’ll be thinking new thoughts on your own behalf and feeling new feelings on your own behalf.

You’ll be liberating yourself from the idea that you have to be the extrovert you’re not (or try to).

You won’t feel like you’re selling yourself down the proverbial river anymore.

All because you’ve decided to go ahead and just be the introvert you are instead of being someone you’re not (or trying to).

You don’t and won’t get a perfect life. None of us get that.

But you do get a healthier, happier, more authentic life—running with the wind instead of constantly fighting against it.

Simply by being the introvert you are.

And that’s the best possibility of all.

One worth pursuing.

With a vengeance.

The Bottom Line

The Introvert Shame Phenomenon—shame you experience simply and solely because you’re an introvert—is a thing.

It’s real.

Why am I (re)stating the apparently obvious?

Because it’s not obvious.

Nobody wants to talk about shame in general or about introversion-related shame in particular. (Ask Brené Brown what types of reactions she gets from people when she tells them she’s a shame researcher. Clue: They don’t exactly want to engage with her. On the contrary, they often back away!)

So if—make that when—you experience the Introvert Shame Phenomenon, you’re very likely to feel all alone. Like you’re the only one not only dealing with the issue, but the only one who even sees the Introvert Shame Phenomenon as a real phenomenon in the first place.

Nobody wants to be the only one dealing with something.

And nobody especially wants to be the only one seeing something.

Well, let me once again reassure you:

You are not the only one.
Not even remotely close.

In fact, you’re part of a very big club.

The Introvert Shame Phenomenon, after all, is largely a function of living in a highly extroverted culture with highly extroverted expectations and demands.

So it’s not exactly surprising that you’ve experienced it yourself—repeatedly—whether you’ve encountered it in its self-initiated form, its other-initiated form, or, likely, both.

When you experience the Introvert Shame Phenomenon again and again and again—over years, decades—it takes a toll on you: psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

It hurts you.

Whether you realize it or not.

It compels you to fight yourself instead of being yourself.

And that’s not only harmful to you.

It’s tragic.

And it’s wrong.

Because we all deserve to just be who we really are in life.

What’s Your Path Ahead?

Being aware of the Introvert Shame Phenomenon—and acknowledging it as a real thing with real impact on you—is a huge first step for you to take.

One you’ve already taken if you’ve read this far!

Now you need to decide if you’re going to push back on it in your own life.

And when.

And how.

When you’re ready to move ahead, please know that you have several potential pathways you can take:

1. This is something I can help you with—primarily through my online course and coaching program “Be the Introvert You Are! The Introvert’s Way to a Healthy, Happy Life” but also through my individual “Coaching for Introverts” sessions and the many other resources (including free ones) I offer.
2. Others out there are also well equipped to help you learn about shame in general and introversion-related shame in particular. Many counselors, therapists, coaches etc. have expertise and experience working with people on the broad issue of shame.
3. You can also, of course, continue the work you’ve now begun on your own, if that’s what works best for you. You can always seek help later, from me or someone else, if you decide you could use it.

Whatever you decide to do or not do with what you’ve learned here—and whether you explore working with me or someone else or tackling this endeavor on your own, one thing above all else matters more than anything.

Which is to say …

If you forget everything else you’ve read here,
please—please—remember this.

And take it fully into your
head and, especially, your heart:

There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re simply an introvert.

In fact, there’s so much right with you!

You have so many gifts, so many strengths, so much to offer the world.

And you have all that as is.

As the introvert you are.

So please—for your own sake, for the sake of the people you know and love, and for all the rest of us in the world:

Be the introvert you are.

Thanks so much for reading, and for sharing this journey with me.

Let me leave you with the words my mother used to say to me, especially when I was doing something new or difficult:

Go forth.

Peace.

P.S. The Introvert Shame Phenomenon Is Not a Pathology!

One final thing.

It’s very important, but I’ll keep it fairly brief:

The Introvert Shame Phenomenon
is not a pathology!

Translation …

It’s not a diagnosis of an illness or a malady or a disorder or anything of the sort!

It’s simply an experience.

It’s something you’ve experienced and perhaps still do.

That’s it. That’s all.

Why am I saying this?

Once again—who cares?

Well …

You’ve undoubtedly heard of impostor syndrome, right?

The two women who first identified it in the late 1970s—Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes—did not, and still do not, call it impostor syndrome.

They call it the impostor phenomenon.

And as a 2023 New Yorker profile of the two women noted, Clance and Imes cringe whenever they hear the imposter phenomenon referred to as impostor syndrome.

Every time she hears the phrase “impostor syndrome,” Imes told New Yorker writer Leslie Jamison, it “lodges in her gut” (as Jamison paraphrased it).

Why?

Because, as Clance told Jamison, she and Imes were—and still are—identifying:

“… an experience rather than a pathology.”

And their one and only goal is and always was to, as Jamison writes:

“… normalize the experience rather than pathologize it.”

In a blog post that captures this crucial distinction brilliantly and succinctly, leadership coach Tanya Geisler puts this blunt exclamation point on the impostor phenomenon concept:

It is not a clinical diagnosis of a mental health condition.

So …

In my own use of the word phenomenon (and not syndrome or anything like it) in Introvert Shame Phenomenon, I have borrowed the thinking—and the crucial precision—that Clance and Imes wisely established all those many years ago.

It’s wisdom they continue insisting upon to this day. And for that I thank—and salute—them.

The Introvert Shame Phenomenon is not a clinical diagnosis of a mental health condition.

The Introvert Shame Phenomenon is not a pathology.

It’s not a Thing (with a capital “T”) that you have.

It’s simply a thing you experience.

And it’s time to name it, validate it as real, shine a spotlight on it, and do something about it.

Together.