Saying No: For Introverts Especially, It’s an Indispensable Skill

Saying no can be challenging, especially if you’re an introvert. But it’s a crucial skill to have for the sake of your well-being—and your sanity.

“No” is one of the shorter words in the English language, but it may be the hardest word to say.

Especially if you’re an introvert.

Maybe it’s because many of us introverts just aren’t into any kind of confrontation—which is a nice way of saying that we (tend to) avoid it.

Maybe it’s because many of us have spent a lifetime having to explain or justify or defend or even apologize for the no’s we do manage to muster.

Maybe the guilt we tend to feel—which is often thrust upon us by the person(s) we say no to—is just too much to deal with.

Maybe it’s because, sometimes at least, offering a manufactured yes and going along to get along is just easier, and far less draining, than delivering the true no we would like to deliver.

Maybe it’s all of these things and more.

I don’t know.

But I do know this:

If we introverts were to be the recipients of a grade-school-like report card for our lives, many of us would receive an “NI” on the “willingness and ability to say ‘no’” line:

Needs Improvement.

Saying No Is Often the Best Option

Sometimes, of course, you realistically can’t say no, particularly when it comes to work-related demands and, ahem, “requests.”

But often—far more often than we might believe—saying no is not only an option, it is the option we should choose in order to maintain our well-being: physical, mental, and emotional.

The question is …

How?

Are there some good strategies you can employ that will help you say no more readily and effectively as the introvert you are?

Yes.

Here are the best three I know.

Explain Briefly, Then Repeat

Suppose, late on a Friday afternoon, one of your work colleagues invites you out for coffee the next morning.

You like your colleague—but it’s been a long week, and you don’t want to hang out this weekend with anyone who is even remotely connected to your job.

What now?

You say no accompanied by a straightforward explanation:

“I’m just really tapped out,” you might say. “I appreciate the invite, but maybe another time.”

Simple enough, particularly since it makes use of an “I” statement that is hard for the other person to dispute or disregard.

But wait a minute …

Sometimes the person doing the asking does dispute or disregard your response, right?

Example:

“Awww, c’mon! It’ll be fun!”

Now what?

I have found that the solution is deceptively easy …

Simply repeat your initial response, basically verbatim.

The other person then seems to (finally) get that you mean it.

(Although on occasion you’ll need to repeat your repetition—in which case adding the phrase “I stand by my statement” is an effective discussion ender.)

Buy Time to Reply Later

Another effective way of saying no is to stall for time in the moment so that you can respond later—ideally via your preferred written communications medium.

In our “let’s-have-some-coffee-
tomorrow-morning” scenario, for example, you could say something like this:

“Hmm … I’m not sure what to say right at this moment, as I’m pretty wiped out from the week. Let me think about it while I’m making dinner. I’ll let you know one way or the other this evening.”

You generally won’t get any immediate pushback when you use this strategy.

And it really does buy you time to think about the request and decide how you’d like to respond.

If your answer is ultimately no, you can simply say so in a follow-up text or email.

When Saying No, Channel Anne Lamott

One of my favorite writers is Anne Lamott, perhaps best known for her 1995 book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life.

Lamott once offered this punchy and powerful insight on saying no:

“‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

In other words, Lamott says, when you want (need?) to say no, just say no and stop: “No.” (Or if you’re like me: “No, thanks.”)

Amazingly, it works—perhaps because it is so simple and direct, and because it doesn’t require (or offer up) any explanations or hints that you even need to explain.

Its self-assuredness seems to ensure its success.

So let me leave you with Lamott’s full quote:

“‘No’ is a complete sentence.

Saying no is a right we all have.

Use it.”