Introversion Is Often Seen as a Problem—But You Can Push Back

No matter what others in your life might say or think, your introversion isn’t a problem. It’s just a part of who you are.

At first I thought I had accidentally printed an article from The Onion, the satirical “news” website that too many people—usually bumbling politicians—have in the past cited as their source of, ahem, information.

But no.

I really did have in my hands an article from the legitimate news and information website Slate.

It was a letter from a mom to Nicole Chung, who writes for Slate’s “Care and Feeding” parenting advice column.

In the letter, the mother expressed her concern that her teenage daughter a) is an introvert, and therefore b) needs straightening out somehow.

Chung offered a response to the letter—and a memorable one at that—in her column.

You can’t really blame me for thinking of The Onion at first, given the resulting article’s headline:

I Want My Teen Daughter to Stop
Being Such an Introverted Robot Person

But what followed in the piece itself was far from funny.

It was tragic.

And it is all too common where introverts are concerned.

A Problem—to Mom

Let’s start at the beginning.

Here’s what Mom had to say in her letter. I’m including only parts of it here, but you’ll get the idea:

“I have had numerous talks with [my daughter] about getting out of her comfort zone. I’ve tried everything, from yelling at her to reasoning with her, but nothing seems to work.

“All I want is for her to show that she is a human, not a machine.

“For some reason, me saying this seems to bother her, because (as she told me) she does not think of herself as a robot who is devoid of emotion, and she’s sick of people like me saying that she is.” …

“How can I get her to change her personality, so she opens up more easily, and enjoys social interaction and gatherings more?”

Wow.

Chung’s response matched mine exactly.

“Wow,” she wrote in the prelude to her full reply.

Then she let loose:

“I’m amazed that yelling at your child, calling her a machine, and telling her she needs to become an entirely different person hasn’t worked out the way you’d hoped!

“I don’t understand why you think her personality is a problem that needs fixing. It’s no wonder she is shutting down during your conversations.”

Chung went on to tell Mom that instead of focusing so much of her energy—and contempt—on her daughter, perhaps she should instead take a long, hard look in the mirror.

“You’re the one who needs to change here,” Chung concluded:

“[Y]ou need to work on seeing and appreciating the kid you have, instead of wasting more time and energy telling her that her natural inclinations are wrong.”

Amen, Nicole Chung.

On behalf of introverts everywhere:

Thank you.

Introversion Isn’t a Problem

Now, I think—or at least I would hope—that this is an extreme case of what Quiet author Susan Cain has famously called the Extrovert Ideal, mixed with the complementary phenomenon of seeing introversion as some sort of disorder that needs to be fixed or cured.

But this kind of thing happens to introverts far too often—usually more subtly, I’ll concede.

It might even have happened to you.

It might still be happening to you.

Be aware of its power to diminish you.

And of your own power to push back against it.

Hard.