Fellow Introvert, You Can’t Be Someone You’re Not—You Just Can’t

Turning yourself into an extrovert—or trying to—is understandable in our extroverted Western culture. But alas, you just can’t do it.

You can’t be someone you’re not, fellow introvert.

You just can’t.

Now, if you’ve tried to be someone you’re not in life—to be the extrovert you’re not, specifically—I totally understand. It only makes sense that you’d consider this path, given the extroverted culture we live in and the bias toward extroversion that goes with it.

But my original statement stands, and I stand by it:

You can’t be someone you’re not, fellow introvert.

You just can’t.

And when I say “can’t,” I mean it in three distinct ways that we as introverts can never overlook, dismiss, or forget.

“Can’t” as in Impossible

You can’t run 90 miles an hour.

You can’t stand in your backyard and jump over your house onto your front lawn.

You can’t eat a freight train.

There are some things in life that are just plain impossible for you to do.

Turning yourself into an extrovert is one of them.

You can be quite extroverted at times, with certain people and in certain situations where you’re doing certain things. When you’re passionate about something, for example, the people around you might well mistake you for an extrovert.

But you never actually become an extrovert.

You can’t be someone you’re not, fellow introvert.

As in you just can’t pull it off.

“Can’t” as in Unfair

If extroverts get to just go ahead and be the extroverts they are—and they do—how can it be that you as an introvert don’t get to just go ahead and be the introvert you are?

How can that be fair?

It can’t.

And it isn’t.

Justice dictates that you get to be who you are the same way extroverts get to be who they are.

You can’t be someone you’re not, fellow introvert.

As in you just can’t go along with it.

“Can’t” as in Dangerous

This is the worst form of “can’t.”

Because if you try to become the extrovert you’re not in life, you’re never going to be truly healthy and happy.

In fact, you’re asking for all sorts of potential trouble.

Among the many possibilities:

• Anxiety
• Depression (often described as “anger turned inward”)
• Addiction(s)
• Chronic stress
• Exhaustion (physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual)

To say nothing of what I call the Introvert Shame Phenomenon—the feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with you simply and solely because you’re an introvert.

You can’t be someone you’re not, fellow introvert.

As in you just can’t risk it.

The Smart Choice Is to Be Yourself

In her bestselling book The Gifts of Imperfection, renowned shame researcher Brené Brown makes a crucial distinction between fitting in and belonging.

“Fitting in,” Brown writes, “is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted” [emphasis mine].

“Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are,” Brown stresses.

“It requires us to be who we are.” [again, emphasis mine]

Becoming an extrovert—or trying to—will only get you as far as fitting in. If it gets you anywhere at all.

You can’t do it, fellow introvert.

Can’t in (at least) three contexts.

So don’t.