Extroversion Is (Still) the Ideal We’re Supposed to Pursue in Life

In Western culture especially, extroversion is seen as the gold standard. Introversion? Not so much. Be ready for this phenomenon—always.

Imagine you go to the website Thesaurus.com and look up the word introverted, and instead of seeing synonyms like reclusive and cautious and cool listed there you see independent and thorough and calm.

Then imagine you look up the word extroverted, and instead of seeing words like outgoing and personable and demonstrative there you see overdaring and oversharing and overbearing.

Imagine you’re the parent of two elementary school children—one an extrovert, the other an introvert—and you get this email from the extroverted child’s teacher:

Dear _____,

I’m concerned about your son _____. He has too many friends in class, he speaks up too readily and too vocally during classroom discussions, and he is only capable of doing his work when teaming up with other children.

Typically, we expect children this age to focus on quality vs. quantity when it comes to friends (i.e., less is more); to listen attentively during class discussions (instead of verbally interjecting), so they can carefully process what is going on; and to work confidently alone on their assignments.

That same day, you get an email from your introverted child’s teacher as well:

Dear _____,

I’m so happy for, and proud of, your daughter _____! She has one solid friend in class, she listens intently during classroom discussions—clearly she is thinking deeply!—and she works by herself with great skill. All things we prize in children this age.

An Unlikely Work Scenario

Imagine you (an introvert) and an extroverted work colleague are called into your boss’s office one morning, presumably to find out which of you is getting the big promotion and accompanying raise.

“Shut the door behind you,” your boss says as the two of you walk in.

Then, after you both sit down, the boss turns to you first and says:

_____, I’ve decided to promote you to the new position. The work you’ve done has been superb, and you’ve done it almost exclusively on your own, independently and efficiently. I’ve always appreciated your ability to think carefully before you act, and to focus intently on your work instead of water-cooler conversations and other time wasters. Congratulations.

Then your boss turns to your colleague and says:

_____, your work has been good too; don’t get me wrong. You just need to be more of an individual player, and to work more independently and less collaboratively. You need to do more thinking and less acting, and you need to do your work instead of constantly trying to build relationships with others. I’m sorry, but … maybe next time.

A Slanted Playing Field

Sadly, the scenarios I’ve come up with here are ridiculous bordering on absurd.

The reason?

In Western culture at least, extroversion—and extroverted words, beliefs, and behaviors—is the norm, the ideal we are all (supposed to be) striving for.

Introversion—and introverted words, beliefs, and behaviors—is typically the opposite. Not always, mind you, but frequently.

I bring all this up not to bitch and moan about it. Complaining is not only ineffective; it’s disempowering as well.

I bring it up simply to point out—and to urge you to keep in mind—that as an introvert living in an extroverted culture, you are dealing with a slanted playing field.

This affects you personally, of course, but it also affects the people you care about who are introverts.

You, and they, need to remember:

A slanted playing field isn’t an impossible playing field, but it’s a slanted one nonetheless.

So you need to be ready to deal with it.

Always.

What If Extroversion Were Disparaged?

A few years ago, I mentioned to an old high school friend of mine that I was an introvert.

“You’re not an INTROVERT!” she gasped in response, as though I’d said “I’m a serial killer.”

Imagine if I’d told her I was an extrovert, and that she’d responded: “You’re not an EXTROVERT!”

Hard to imagine, isn’t it.